The Lilith Blog

January 7, 2021 by Sharrona Pearl

The Maddening Whiplash of This Week, This Year, This Presidency

Was it really just yesterday morning that I was playing the clip of Senator-elect Reverend Warnock on a loop for my kids talking about a historic election as won by him and proud Jew Jon Ossoff.  

Tears were in my eyes every time I heard him say, “I think Abraham Joshua Heschel, the Rabbi who said that when he marched with Dr. King he felt like his legs were praying, I think that he and Dr. King are smiling in this moment.” My heart could not have been fuller as Warnock – the first EVER Black Democratic Senator from the south – pledged that “to make them [King and Heschel] proud.”  In an ugly election marked by images of Warnock’s skin darkened and Ossoff’s nose exaggerated, I was profoundly moved by Warnock’s homage to their unbroken allegiance “against the forces that seek to divide us,” through those that came before and his commitment to helping it shape the present and future.  

We have talked so much about Black-Jewish allyship.  How wonderful, how meaningful to see it celebrated and enacted on a national stage.  I felt…hope.  I felt…pride.  I felt – for once – that the conversation I was having with my children about American politics was an easy one that they understood, and cheered. After all, it’s not 2020 anymore. 

But if our recent era has anything to tell us, it’s that nothing can ever feel simply good anymore, even with 2020 in the rearview mirror. Backlash is a powerful force.

The day that marked the definitive loss of Republican control of the Senate, was also supposed to be the day that votes were ratified in Congress.  Perhaps it couldn’t have gone any other way.  Perhaps it could only have ended with domestic white terrorists staging a seditious coup on Capitol Hill, aided and abetted by both the sitting President and numerous Senators and members of Congress. Perhaps the end of this Presidency could only be marked in history by the violence that was fomented and encouraged. 

After all, he was telling us so all along. None of this, not a single aspect of it, is surprising.  Not to anyone who has been the victim of white supremacy.  Not to anyone who has watched it happen. 

But despite all the forewarning, : it’s embarrassing, terrifying and shocking that it came to this. That the rioters were seemingly treated with kid gloves after the brutal crackdowns on Black Lives Matter protesters this summer, and earlier on anti–Kavanaugh protesters, and protests for healthcare at the very same Capitol building.

And it’s bloody exhausting.  

This past year has been hard enough, in so many ways, for so many people. And it’s not over yet.

January 6, 2021–just yesterday–has been a hell of a year, friends.  If someone were scripting it, I’d send it back as being way too packed, way too ironic, way too on the nose. It’s just too much for any one day to handle; the plot needs to be spread out, even just a little.  The audience can’t manage quite this much action; no one can 

Certainly not us Americans, sitting glued to our twitter feeds as we weep for our country, weep for all those who have died this year, and weep as we realize – again and again and again – that it is far from over.  Certainly not us Jews and African-Americans, connecting in solidarity and celebrating the words of Reverend Warnock, hoping to make Rabbi Heschel and Dr. King proud. And praying that we still can. 

The Lilith Blog

December 15, 2020 by Sharrona Pearl

Dr. Jill Biden Earned Her Title

Let’s get the facts out of the way first. Dr. Jill Biden earned her doctorate from the University of Delaware as a woman in her 50s, returning to study after raising a family. Joseph Epstein did not earn a doctorate in his 50s, 40s, or any other decade. In a recent – and misogynist, racist, and deeply offensive— editorial in The Wall Street Journal that has already generated a huge amount of pushback from academics both online and off, Epstein calls on Dr. Biden to stop using her title as an honorific. 

The Lilith Blog

August 24, 2020 by Sharrona Pearl

A Muslim Protagonist’s Angst: Jews Will Relate

Ramy is a show about faith, Millennials, New Jersey, friendship, and porn.  It’s a show about searching for purpose, identity, and community even as your identity is assigned to you by outsiders, your community may not be a fit for you, and your purpose is constrained by navigating between those two extremes. 

It’s hard to be Muslim-American. It got harder on September 11, 2001, the show reminds us, but it was never easy.  It’s hard to be a Millenial who cares about faith but who also cares about being in your 20s, and Having Experiences.

The Lilith Blog

July 16, 2020 by Sharrona Pearl

“Better Things:” Your Jewish and Frankly Feminist Review

Better Things reached season 4 and protagonist Sam’s kids are still assholes: the formerly angelic Duke a little bit more, the always caustic Frankie a little bit less, and we barely see lovely wild child Max anymore. Time, in the world of this funny, melancholic, and moving show about raising three daughters as a divorced single mom in LA, is progressing. And Sam – played by director and creator Pamela Adlon, herself, like Sam, a single divorced mother with a Jewish father – is moving on too.  This season is all about movement: in the water that forms the backdrop to every episode in one way or another; in the lingering camera shots that dwell on paintings, or facial expressions, in an expected black and white silent movies; and in the interviews of women that dwell lovingly and joyfully and painfully on their words as if to insist that these words matter. 

The Lilith Blog

April 15, 2020 by Sharrona Pearl

Unorthodox on Netflix: A Review

Well, Berlin seems nice. It’s the kind of place, apparently, where you can land from an international flight, stop in a hipster coffee shop with just the clothes on your back and some cash from your pawned valuables, and find yourself hitching a ride to the beach with a brand-new group of delightful diverse international friends who are falling all over themselves to help you out.  That’s lovely for just about anyone; it’s amazing if you happen to also be running away from an unhappy marriage in a cloistered religious community who almost certainly sent someone to track you down. And it’s even better that these new friends are all students at the local conservatory, and you just happen to be a secret classical musical lover who has had to repress her talent in that self-same cloistered religious community.

The Lilith Blog

May 21, 2019 by Sharrona Pearl

Mel Gibson’s ‘Rothchild’ Film Ditches the ‘S’ But Keeps the Anti-Semitism

As the endless reboots, remakes, and superhero movies show, no Hollywood exec is seriously asking if we need another movie about a given topic. Movies aren’t about need. They are about want. Desire. Wish fulfillment and fantasy. Movies are where we go to imagine other worlds, and be transported from ours.

So what does it say about our world that Hollywood has greenlit a major film that uses an almost identical name to Rothschild, a name almost synonymous with anti-Semitic tropes? Whose subject is a wealthy and corrupt family who will stop at nothing in pursuit of the almighty dollar? What does it say that the film stars one of the most notoriously anti-Semitic actors of our time—you know, who I mean? If you’re not aware, google Mel Gibson and his vile comments.

The Lilith Blog

April 23, 2019 by Sharrona Pearl

No, You Can’t Just Use Jewish Wedding Rituals if You’re Not Jewish

My Jewish ritual should not be used for your Pinterest wedding. 

I understand the desire to make a wedding unique. It’s pretty much impossible, honestly, but do your best. You want to hold it in an abandoned train station with a farmer theme while everyone sits on water balloons? Gezunteheit.  You want your guests to feel transformed, moved by all the little ways your infuse meaning into the moment, to create lasting memories that will stand out amongst all the white dresses and rustic farm settings with wildflower centerpieces?  

Go for it. 

Just don’t use my (or anyone’s) sacred ritual to make your wedding pop on Instagram.

It’s a thing.  I had no idea it was a thing until I read a 2011 Washington Post article entitled “A Jewish Wedding for Two Non-Jews” that recently got widely re-circulated. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I saw the headline; maybe it would tell the story of a couple getting in touch with the Jewish roots or finding the religion as adults and using the wedding as a way to honor their personal journeys.  Maybe (though it seemed unlikely) it would be a thoughtful narrative about how an interfaith family was struggling to incorporate their two traditions in a way that respected them both. Maybe the two non-Jews in question were not the bride and groom, but other people involved in the ceremony and celebration.

Nope. The article was literally about how two non-Jews decided to make their wedding stand out by having a Jewish ceremony, complete with chuppah, ketubah, breaking of the glass and – wait for it – the ritually unnecessary but photo friendly Rabbi as officiant. Until I read the article, I didn’t even know about these kinds of weddings, but it turns out that this article isn’t an anomaly: non-Jewish people do borrow Jewish rituals for their weddings. 

I was so angry. I actually shocked myself by how angry I was. It felt, simply, like the grossest violation of history, tradition, and the ties that bind a community and a religion together. 

I know that debates about cultural appropriation are complicated. I know that there is a meaningful difference between appropriation and appreciation. I know that it can be hard in some cases to point to clear origins in culture and that culture itself is constantly shifting and changing precisely because of the interplay of traditions with history and practice. But there’s a huge difference between, say, white women getting praised for wearing cornrows, a style that women of color have been discriminated against for using on the one hand, and all the people of New York enjoying a good bagel on the other. 

The Jewish wedding thing is the bad kind, though. The chuppah isn’t just a canopy, although there are some beautiful ones out there. Breaking the glass isn’t just a chance for people to hear a loud bang and shout mazel tov. The ketubah isn’t just a piece of artwork to be framed on your wall as a reminder of the day, though you can get all kinds of imitation Chagall styles that document the rights of the bride and how many goats she is worth.  

All these pieces are links in a long chain that connect the Jewish people across time, across space, and yes—across struggle. They are, in part, designed to emphasize how the marriage celebration is a communal event that isn’t just about the bride and groom but their place amongst the Jewish people. Our wedding rituals, while beautiful, aren’t about photo ops and guest reactions. They are about our future, but they are just as much about our past. And they are not static: they have changed, and grown, and diverged across our wonderful and living religion, and they will continue to evolve.  But this is not their next stage.

These traditions are ours, and that actually really matters.  Others don’t get to just borrow them on a whim. Of course, this couple did, and they are certainly within their rights to do so—but I absolutely have the right to say that it is wrong. These weddings don’t seemingly affect me in any way, nor do they seemingly pose a tangible threat to the safety of the Jewish people, the sanctity of Jewish ritual, or the rights of Jews to practice their religion freely.  Some could argue that this wedding was an homage to our way of doing weddings, and we should be flattered and even encouraging of this (ugh) trend.

 Nope. Not flattered.  Not encouraging.  And, frankly, not agreeing that it isn’t a threat. When ritual and religious practice become a matter of style, they become a matter of negotiation.  They become a matter of taste.  They can be evaluated by the whims of others, and they can be encouraged or repressed by those same tastes. 

When religion becomes a trend, it can stop trending.  Violently, or otherwise.  There’s a big – and meaningful – difference between someone who things my taste is bad, and someone who thinks my religion is bad.  There’s a big difference between someone who wants to appropriate my taste (enjoy!) and someone who wants to appropriate my religion.  And there’s a big difference between trying to change my taste and someone trying to change my religion. 

Maybe find a scenic railway station instead.

The views and opinions expressed in this article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect those of Lilith Magazine.

The Lilith Blog

March 5, 2019 by Sharrona Pearl

Don’t Assume Anything About That Kid on the Bus

I see where the mistake came from. Unfortunately, there just aren’t that many Jews of color in our community. But still: don’t assume that that the black boy on the Jewish day school bus is the bus driver’s kid.

Yeah. That happened. I don’t think I need to tell you how it made the kid’s mom feel.  I don’t think I need to tell you what that says about our school community’s assumptions, commitment to inclusivity, and default gatekeeping. But to be crystal clear: it was devastating. 

There’s some context, to be fair. Our bus had been a mess the first couple of weeks of the school year. The driver was late (hours late), partly, it emerged, because of childcare challenges. (Insert full rant about the need for much better and more comprehensive and more affordable childcare in the US.) So yes— there was a day when the driver’s kids, an older girl and an infant boy, were on the bus. Once. Neither of them was five years old.  Neither had been riding the bus every day since the beginning of the year.

The Lilith Blog

January 22, 2019 by Sharrona Pearl

This Jewish School Tradition Needs to Change.

I’m embarrassed to admit that I didn’t see the problem with the Imma (mother) and Abba (father) of the classroom Shabbat ritual until a friend pointed it out. The opposite, honestly: when my three kids came home from school on Fridays, I eagerly asked who in their classes was given that honor. I made a big deal of it, especially when it was their turn. Because it is kind of a big deal: in kindergarten and first grade, every week one boy and one girl get to make the blessings over the candles, grape juice, and challah. They are given a sticker. They get to show off their knowledge. They love it.

I love it too. Or I did, until I realized that not every kid has an Imma and an Abba. And that not every kid will be an Imma or an Abba, or be an Imma in partnership with an Abba. And that, really, no little kid should be inhabiting the role of an Imma or an Abba.

The Lilith Blog

October 31, 2018 by Sharrona Pearl

Let’s Vow to Stand With Those Who Are Standing With Us Now

At first I thought: we need space to mourn. Eleven of our own have been shot. We need to cry together. Alone.

We know, of course, that it is all connected, that the attacks on our fundamental humanity and right to exist are connected to all the other attacks on people’s fundamental humanity and right to exist, that people chanting “Jews will not replace us” in Charlottesville (some of them “very good,” according to our President) were empowered to shoot two shoppers at a Kroger in Kentucky because they were black.  We know (of course we know) that others affiliated with those “very good people” sent pipe bombs to prominent Democrats and their supporters. 

And we know in our bodies, in our broken hearts, in our historical memory and the memories of our grandparents whose bodies have never forgotten, and in the cries and shock of our children who also now know what it means to have someone want you dead for an identity that is at the very core of who you are. And then that one of those people’s ideological brethren went on to massacre 11 Jews in shul on shabbat morning during a bris. During a bris, for God’s sake.