Why would you want this when you could summon a mythical legend to destroy your enemies instead?

It’s a Christian Saint’s Day. It worships commercialization. And it definitely objectifies women. It’s time to say dayenu to embracing the golden calf of heart-shaped chocolate boxes filled with mediocre heart-shaped chocolate and instead find new ways to spend Valentine’s Day. Here are some alternatives.

1) Summon a golem. What better way to spend February 14 than by creating a giant creature of clay that will wreak havoc on your enemies?

2) Write your treatise on why there’s nothing wrong with interfaith marriage. Tweet it at every Jewish publication. Including this one.

3) Learn how to say “death to the patriarchy” in Yiddish and Ladino. That way, you can basically be as a cool as your friend Rachel who went to Yiddish Farm last summer and knows all the cool songs.

4) Choose what you’re wearing to the Purim party (even though Purim is problematic too). You need to start thinking now. Will you try to parody someone in the administration and hope they still have their job come March? Go for the classic Darth Lord Bannon? Spend hours deciding which 20th-century Anarcho-Communist is your one true love?

5) Dox Nazis. If summoning a golem isn’t your thing, this is a good alternative.

6) Write a queer midrash for Song of Songs. Or your fanfic shipping Ruth and Naomi. Or Jonathan and David. Really whatever speaks to your heart.

7) Scream “Fuck Capitalist Patriarchal Christian Hegemony.” You can do this anytime you see something that reminds you of Capitalist Patriarchal Christian Hegemony. It definitely won’t become exhausting at all as your voice gets hoarse raging at the world.