by Hanna Sender
Seth MacFarlane Said WHAT?!
Chris Brown & Rihanna’s domestic violence date night
Seth MacFarlane opened the night as most hosts do, calling out nominees and talking about this years films. On Django Unchained he said, “This is a story about man fighting to get back his woman who as been subjected to unthinkable violence, or as Chris Brown and Rihanna call it – a date movie.” Apparently you CAN make a Tarantino movie more offensive.
We saw your boobs
An entire song, dance and chorus dedicated to seeing actress’ boobs. Because that is what is significant about their work.
Quevenzhane Wallis is almost too old for George Clooney
This ‘joke’ was directed more at George Clooney dating young women than at the always-sassy and talented NINE YEAR OLD Quevenzhane Wallis, but it is still a joke that sexualizes a 9 year old.
All black people look the same
MacFarlane explained Flight using puppets (just go with it) and when William Shatner as Captain Kirk (again, just go with it) told him “In this day and age, you can’t do black-hand any more!” Macfarlane’s response was: What? I love Denzel Washington! He has a great sense of humor, I mean, he did all those Nutty Professor movies…
Related racism: Macfarlane asked Daniel Day Lewis “If you bumped into Don Cheadle on the studio lot, did you try and free him?
The Kardashians have facial hair
Untrue and irrelevant. Moving on…
Women never let anything go
Zero Dark Thirty is a movie about a woman’s 12 year vendetta to find Osama Bin Laden which showcases “a woman’s innate ability to never ever let anything go.”
Jennifer Aniston is a stripper
No quote here. He actually just said that.
Roman Polanski rape reference
“Like Mark Wahlberg said, the party’s at Jack Nicholson’s house. You remember, that place where Roman Polanski drugged and raped a 13-year-old girl. Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha.” —Margaret Lyons
Bulemia looks good on you
“And those of you who gave yourselves the flu two weeks ago to ‘get there’? It paid off.” Because once again, the actresses are just here as set dressing.
Jews run Hollywood
Ted, the animated character voiced by Seth MacFarlane reminded Mark Wahlberg that Jews run Hollywood and that he should pretend like the ‘herg’ in his name is because he is part Jewish. He also added “I was born Theodore Shapiro and I would like to donate money to Israel and continue to work in Hollywood forever.” Apparently there are also ‘secret synagogue’ meetings where they hand out private planes. The ADL has already called out The Academy and Seth MacFarlane for this bit, saying,
“While we have come to expect inappropriate “Jews control Hollywood” jokes from Seth MacFarlane, what he did at the Oscars was offensive and not remotely funny. It only reinforces stereotypes which legitimize anti-Semitism. It is sad and disheartening that the Oscars awards show sought to use anti-Jewish stereotypes for laughs.”
Doesn’t matter what Salma Hayak says, just look at her
She is so attractive it doesn’t matter that we can’t understand her. Also included in this category are Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz
William Shatner tried to warn us
Although it allowed MacFarlane to make some of his more offensive jokes, the fact that Captain Kirk was beaming down from the Enterprise still made me smile.
Jennifer Lawrence
She tripped going up the stairs and it only made us love her more.
Michelle Obama
The First Lady presented the Best Picture Oscar from the White House and gave everyone another opportunity to gush over her bangs.
Hanna Sender: Former Lilith intern, freelance left-brained designer who is addicted to NPR, data visualization & Diet Coke.